An Open Letter to Hallmark

“It is time for parents to teach young people early on that in diversity there is beauty and there is strength.“
Maya Angelou

Dear Hallmark,

Watching Hallmark movies in my house was a tradition every season of the year. I loved cuddling up with my mom in the winter to a feel-good movie of watching a boy and a girl fall in love with the magic of Christmas, to see two people overcome obstacles to be with each other. It taught me the importance of family, the magic of love, and fighting for what and who you believe in. Movies are so important. They are role models on how we should act, they teach us what is acceptable versus unacceptable, they teach us societal norms and values, and they have the ability to inspire us. Because movies are so powerful and influential, I believe it is important to see what messages these movies are sending its viewers.

One thing I think hallmark must improve is its message of diversity. If I were to turn on the hallmark channel I would more than likely find a movie featuring a boy and a girl with an entirely white cast. I do not believe this is representative of the world we live in. For example, in 1967 only 3% of marriages were interracial whereas in 2015 17% of marriages, or 1 in 6, were interracial (Bialik, 2017). With there being more interracial marriages, why do movies not reflect this? With the United States considered a “melting pot” for people of different racial and ethnic backgrounds, how come hallmark movies do not reflect this by showing more people of color? Even though it is important to see more diversity in regards to race as the main cast, I struggle to even point out any person of color working as an extra or secondary character.

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In regard to religion, the United States does not have a nationally declared religion that everyone must follow. However, to anybody watching Hallmark they will see a majority of movies following the Christian holidays. Growing up, in the wintertime I celebrated Hanukkah. I would watch Christmas movies after lighting the menorah and would dream of Santa Claus visiting me just like he did my friends. I drove in the car with my mom or went into department stores and all I heard was “Jingle Bells”, “Deck the halls”, and “Rudolf the Red nosed Reindeer”. I dreamt of finding presents in stockings, decorating a Christmas tree, making gingerbread men, and eating candy canes. But I longed to see a movie about people having fun on Hanukkah, coming together as a community, and seeing someone who was Jewish, someone like me, fall in love. Even in the United States, since 2010 there has been a report that nearly every 4 in 10, or 39%, of people reported marrying someone of a different religious background than them (Pew Research Center, 2015). I believe that Hallmark should reflect this diversity and show that regardless if you are Christian, Jewish, or of a different religious background, that you deserve to be loved and find happiness.

“Diversity is not about how we differ. Diversity is about embracing one another’s uniqueness.”
Ola Joseph

Furthermore, there has never been a Hallmark movie featuring an LGBTQ+ couple. There have been a few background characters maybe, but this is not enough. In the United States you can get married regardless of your sexual orientation. There is an estimated 4.5% of the adult population of the United States who identify as LGBTQ+, that is roughly 11,343,000 people (The Williams Institute, 2019). Hallmark has the opportunity to be an amazing role model to show that everyone deserves love, to see someone who is LGBTQ+ have a happy ending, and promote tolerance and acceptance.

The media has the position, power, and influence to teach and educate its viewers. Whether it is intentionally or unintentionally, the movies that Hallmark puts out influences the public image of minorities in regards to religion, race and ethnicity, sexual orientation, women, and people with disabilities. If there is only one dominant story, then people who do not regularly interact with these populations will either unconsciously or consciously subscribe to the values and ideals that that story portrays (Cort, n.d.). Right now, that story seems to portray America and the majority of its romantic relationships as being straight, white, and Christian. Hallmark has the opportunity to change the narrative, to make its movies more diverse and show more than one type of story. They can teach their viewers the importance of acceptance, and be an amazing role model for children of color, of kids who celebrate Hanukkah, and LGBTQ+ kids that they are all deserving of love and give them hope that they will too find love.

“What the world needs most is openness: Open hearts, open doors, open eyes, open minds, open ears, open souls.“
Robert Muller

Resources

Bialik, K. (2017, June 12). Key facts about race and marriage in the u.s. Retrieved from https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2017/06/12/key-facts-about-race-and-marriage-50-years-after-loving-v-virginia/

Cort, C. (n.d.). A long way to go: Minorities and the media. Retrieved from http://www.medialit.org/reading-room/long-way-go-minorities-and-media

Pew Research Center. (2015, May 12). America’s changing religious landscape. Retrieved from https://www.pewforum.org/2015/05/12/americas-changing-religious-landscape/

The Williams Institute. (2019, March 5). Adult lgbt population in the us. Retrieved from https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/research/lgbt-adults-in-the-us/

The Girl Who Survived

“There is the mud, and there is the lotus that grows out of the mud. We need the mud in order to make the lotus.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

I cannot talk about having anxiety without addressing what happened in my life that first created it.

It was October 30, 2003 and my parents took me to dinner at Red Lobster. I was in second grade and I was super excited to participate in the halloween parade the next day.

Earlier that day, I had a doctor’s appointment with a doctor who specialized in children’s growth. I seemed to be behind in growth for my age because I was way shorter than my peers. The doctors suggested my parents take me to try new foods, like fish, to help me grow.

No photo description available. — I’m the shortie in the front

Previously, I had only tried fish once on a tuna fish sandwich. It had made my mouth itchy so I never really had the desire to try it again. Plus I was a picky eater so trying other fish never appealed to me. But regardless, my parents, along with my doctor, believed it be a good idea to have me try some other fish.

Now it is dinner time and I order a burger and fries while my parents get tilapia.

My dad cuts a small piece and asks me to try it.

Being sure to mind my manners I politely say, “no thank you.”

But my mom chims in and asks softly, “please, for me?”

Both my parents were looking at me expectantly and I did not want to dissapoint them or make them sad. So reluctantly I said yes and decide to try it.

In this moment, and the moments after, time simultaneously stood still and sped up. My mouth started to tingle and I remember saying that my mouth felt funny. My dad gave me another small peice thinking that because the tilapia was next to some lemon that could be the reason I did not like it.

In the course of a minute my mouth, tongue, and throat started itching. My lips then started to swell so large that it was hard to move them.

I started to panic over my symptoms and what they meant as a sense of doom fell over me. My parents leapt from the table and my mom rushed me out of the restaurant while my dad stayed to quickly pay the check.

At the time my house was under renovation and we were living in a trailer in the driveway. We sped home and went into the trailer to get benadryl.

The panic in me was growing, I was frightened. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I remember looking like some terrified deformed Donald Duck due to my swolen lips.

Next thing I know my dad is home and my mom and I rush into the backseat of the car.

It was dark, my dad was speeding, and I was behind the driver seat laying on my moms lap saying that I did not feel well. I started to feel light headed, dizzy, and nauseous. I focused on my toy that was left under the passenger seat. For any who are old enough to remember, it was this kids portable karaoke with a microphone that played cassette tapes.

By the time we arrived at the hospital I had thrown up on my mom and was starting to lose conciousness. My dad grabbed me from the backseat, threw me over his shoulder, and ran inside.

I saw the panicked look of the receptionist pointing us to go in a certain direction. I remember seeing the nurses standing around talking and laughing, but stop abruptly when they saw me and started running.

Now I am lying on a hospital bed with several people hovering over me. I feel hands on my body putting in an IV while I see a purple dinosaur air mask slide over my face. I see my parents together in the back looking scared.

Image result for purple dinosaur air mask

Then everything goes dark.

Tests later showed I went into anaphylaxis shock, a severe life-threatening allergic reaction, due to an allergy to cod protein, which is found in all fish and shellfish. My slight allergic reaction to the tuna fish earlier was a sign that I was developing that severe allergy.

Weirdly, it has been 16 years and I still remember this one memory so vividly that it feels like I am reliving it. However, months of my life after that is all a blur.

I used to love looking at the tank of lobsters at the supermarket, but now I was too afraid to go near them. I remember my parents taking me to see my first therapist at the age of 7. He tried to get me to write down the word lobster and fish on a piece of paper because I was too afraid to say it. My parents said they got a call from school saying that I was not eating and was throwing away my school lunches.

With the help of that therapist, I was able to get rid of my outward concerning symptoms and aversion toward being around seafood. However, it took another therapist 15 years later to help put together that the onset of my anxiety was a direct result of that trauma.

I became very worried, concerned, and anxious about my health. Nothing I ate was safe. I now have to carry around an epi-pen with me every where I go because, “you never know what can happen.” This is problematic though because I carry around the worry of the unknown and that anything could put my life at risk and could kill me.

My allergy was so severe that doctors described my allergy lab test as “off the charts.” I was warned that even foods cooked in the same oil or on the same grill as fish could be dangerous. This is an extreme concern when going out to eat because I have to put my faith (pun on my name intended) and what I felt was my life in the waiters hands to understand how severe my allergy was and effectively communicate that to the chefs, who also needed to take extreme precaution.

Image result for food allergies at restaurants — https://www.cdc.gov/nceh/ehs/ehsnet/plain_language/allergy-practices.htm

https://www.cdc.gov/nceh/ehs/ehsnet/plain_language/allergy-practices.htm

I felt part of the burden on myself with the worry of, “what if I do not communicate clearly how severe this is and I end up getting cross-contaminated food and almost die again?”

I also started to feel anxious because if the restaurant was unsafe to eat at, then whoever I was with whether it was my parents, my friends, a date, we had to leave. I did not want to ruin plans, cause a hassle, or make people upset. I am very empathetic so I keep thinking and feeling what it must be like to be the other person really looking forward to eating somewhere or something and then being let down because I could not be accommodated. I did not want to be the cause of that.

My anxiety follows me around everywhere because I am constantly on alert since I am reminded of my allergy and the time I almost died everytime I go to eat, which is 3 times a day. And I feel like I have to constantly be on alert for potential threats, since anything could happen.

Image result for anxiety and being scared

I ended up becoming very self-aware of every bodily function and if it was normal or a sign of something more concerning or life threatening. This trauma is also the catalyst of my health anxiety.

I realized the problem with all of this is how I think about things.

My therapist pointed out that when I describe my anaphylactic reaction that I describe it as being the time I almost died. She goes, “but you didn’t die, you are here, you survived.”

She asked me to try to practice saying that. That I did not almost die, that I survived. This phrasing put a more positive and empowering spin on it.

This is one of the ways I practice my confidence, by talking back to my anxiety in a more positive and empowering way.

It is not easy, and I am still working on it, because I have to retain some level of anxiousness because, unlike generalized anxiety that might not have an exact cause, I have a reason to be at least a little anxious about what I eat, expecially if I cannot tell if it has been cross contaminated or not.

It is hard to reign in your anxiety, but I guess we will just take it one day at a time.

One Step At A Time by Jordin Sparks

Until next time ~ hang in there.

Sharing is Caring

Anxiety sucks. It is plain and simple.

I mean, has anybody ever gotten into that rabbit hole where they start to think “well what if this happens” and it spirals into the tunnel of “what ifs”?

It is your first day of class, a job, walking into a Starbucks to order a coffee, and you think about how you look, what people will think, what if you mess up what you say. The questions are never ending and the anxiety starts controlling you instead of you controlling it.

Anxiety makes me feel isolated. That is because there is this perceived notion that people do not understand what we are feeling, or what we are going through. Anxiety is stigmatized so we do not want to bring it up to others in fear of being judged. In fact, the feeling of anxiety feeds on that fear. And the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets.

Anxiety does not want you reaching out to others because there is a possibility that you can learn to control it.

Anxiety does not like being controlled. It thrives on power.

You do not deserve that.

Some people are lucky enough not to experience anxiety. Those who do, know that it is a battle, that your own mind feels like it is abusing you.

You are strong, powerful, resilient. You have overcome literally everything that has come your way so far. Time has moved on, and you found a way to survive. And that really is the main goal, to survive.

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So the fact that you face every day or these moments where your mind is battling you and you come out on top, is freaking amazing.

I mean yea with any battle or war the odds of coming out unscathed is slim; but you succeeded regardless.

You have been fighting on for the most part silently because the battle is in our own mind instead of outside on a visible battlefield.

People don’t see physical scars or broken bones, they just see someone wearing sweats, with their hair messed up, looking like they haven’t slept in a week. They do not see those sleepless nights, the anxiety attack you had in your room while nobody was around, they do not feel the fright that rises in your chest when you have to give a presentation or call someone on the phone.

And because this fight isn’t visible and we believe we are judged, we remain silent, and the battle is left unknown.

I have social anxiety. I have generalized anxiety. I have health anxiety. I get panic attacks, and I feel like I am the only one suffering. That I am the only one who knows this pain.

I rarely shared with people my experiences or how I felt on a daily basis because I believed people would not understand, I would be judged, or they would use that information against me.

My anxiety said nobody could be trusted, that I should keep to myself. So I acted fine and tried to socialize with others even though I was keeping myself closed off.

Imagine my surprise (she says sarcastically) that when I was in a social situation that even though I was doing things, talking to people and interacting, that I still was lacking that feeling of connection. I was doing everything right, despite feeling anxious, and I still did not feel connected with others. Of course this lead to more feelings of anxiety, increased depression, and loneliness.

This is because my head was not in it. I was closed off. My anxiety kept me from connecting with others because I was not opening up. I needed to open myself up to others in order to be receptive to people trying to connect with me.

Sharing how we feel and talking about our worries makes us feel vulnerable. We do not want to put ourselves out there in fear of being hurt. I mean that is understandable, who wants to get hurt?

But we have to ask ourselves, well what if it works out? It is a two sided coin. We can practice confidence by deciding to play the “what if” game back at our anxiety. Think about what is the best possible scenario. We aren’t just opening up to others to get hurt, we are also opening up the possibility of feeling great.

My anxiety of course retorts back at me “what if this person does not understand, what if they hate you?”

If this person judges you, then why do you need them in your life? Those who are worth your time will understand. They will love you regardless.

From practicing opening up to others, I realized that so many people go through what I go through, that I am not alone. So many people suffer in silence. I know that if someone does not understand, there are plenty of people who will.

We need to build our social support networks full of people who care and will help build you up, instead of bringing you down.

You are rebelling against your anxiety when you share with others. You exercise mental strength in an act of confidence.

Picture confidence like a muscle. When you go to the gym you don’t go straight for the 50lbs (and if you do, dang), you start maybe with 2lbs or 5lbs. You build up that endurance over time, got to get that definition. Some days you will lift a bit and will feel sore, so you rest for a few days.

Confidence is like that. You practice these little bits, and at first it is hard, but over time it becomes easier. Then picking up that 5lbs will feel weightless.

So practice those little steps of confidence, talk back to your anxiety, build those muscles and become ripped.

Until next time ~ hang in there.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

I’ll start by introducing myself: My name is Faith, I am a 22 year old woman from New Jersey who has her Bachelor’s in Social Work.

In case you are wondering, yes my name is really Faith, like the show Faith & Hope, like that song by George Michael that goes “gotta have Faith, Faith, Faith”, like to believe in something, as in to have a leap of faith, yes I’ve heard all the references and puns (and no I do not have any siblings named Hope, or Charity – sorry). The one pun I love to introduce myself with is “to have a little Faith” since I am 4ft 9in. Get it? It is because my name is Faith, and I am short.

I will give you one warning though if you stick around with me:

I will use every chance I get to make a pun.

You will hate me and love me, but like a good cheese, I guess that is the price of grate-ness.

I use humor as a crutch. You see, I’ve had anxiety since I was in 3rd grade. That was 14 years ago (currently realizing how old I am in a Barnes & Noble and trying not to freak out).

Anyway, one of the first lessons I learned in public schools was that children can be ruthless. They will point out anything that stands out.

You think being short you would just blend into the crowd, but it just made me stand out more. What some people don’t get is, is that I have always been short. I went to doctors for it because I was considered under the growth curve (see above me with my same age peers), but in my family I was considered normal. I mean, my mom is 5ft 1in and my dad is 5ft 4in and the tallest in my family, so there really was not much hope for me (though the doctor said I would be between 4ft 10in and 5ft 2in so I am a bit salty since every bit counts).

But instead of taking this fact about me, something I had no control over, people made it the center of who I was. I was labeled “that short girl” and was the first thing people saw about me.

Children are curious, but their curiosity kind of killed me instead of the cat. I was bombarded with prying questions and insulting statements. Children and adults alike would ask me how tall I was, how tall my family was, can I legally drive, do I have to drive with phone books on the floor, question why my feet were so small, was I a midget (this one angered me because it was an insult and people would literally argue with me and tell me I was after I told them no)

People are so preoccupied with it that it took me a solid 5 minutes to get the employee at the ice cream shop to get over how short I was so he could place my order.

It was more of how people asked it and their obsessiveness of my height that got me to be self-conscious of it. Why point it out all the time if it wasn’t a problem?

My anxiety started here.

My anxiety grew with me as I was growing up as a result of prying questions, and the bullying.

The bullying happened so frequently that I had a permanent pass stapled to my agenda in middle school to go to guidance whenever I needed. Mean comments from students, as well as being punched and trampled in the halls did nothing positive on my self-esteem, anxiety, or self-worth.

Over the years I felt like my anxiety grew into its own separate being. Like it was an outside force controlling me, instead of me controlling it.

I went to therapies, tried meds, but I never felt in control of it.

And you know, I thought of it like a switch. That at one point I will have that ability to be fine and flip the switch and be in control.

But I realized that it is a process. A really long, tiring, frustrating process.

Anxiety is designed to give you doubts, tear you down.

Image result for youre tearing me apart lisa

It tries to control what you do, say, and how you feel. Anxiety thrives on worry and negativity, so it does not want you to be in control. If you try to make progress, it will whisper doubts that make you question how you are really doing, if you really think you could succeed.

It takes confidence to control anxiety.

Confidence undercuts the anxious thoughts and improves your mental health.

Anxiety is not a quick fix, and having confidence is not either. You need to slowly replace the two. And to do that, you get to learn and master the duality of being both confident and anxious at the same time. Because it is a process, some moments you will feel confident, and other times you will feel anxious.

AND THAT IS OKAY.

If there is one thing you can be confident in, is that you will feel anxious again. Anxiety is a natural thing! But you can take back the control about how anxious you feel about things by talking back to that anxiety and learning to cut away at it with confidence.

Here I will write about my past and on-going experience trying to defeat my own anxiety with little defiant acts of confidence. You can read through my journey and take example from my experiences to try to cut back at your own anxiety and problems, and better yourself one moment at a time.

Until next time ~ hang in there

Image result for thanks for coming to my ted talk